Living The Life

I think it was Robert Benchley who said that the world is divided into two groups, those that divide people into two groups and those who do not.  This is certainly true regarding beds, not just the size and shape but the “tucking”.  Some people are pro-tuckers and some are distinctly anti-tuck, and as typical in our marriage my wife is extremely anti-tuck while I am definitely pro-tuck.   I guess my pro-tuck position comes from my days as a military cadet where my bunk had to have military corners with the covers taut as a drum.  This is difficult to achieve yet the Army expected you to sleep in your bunk – not on top of it but under the covers.  To sleep in the bunk and under the covers and still have it pass inspection each morning is no easy feat.  What you learn to do is to sleep without actually touching anything, you sort of wiggle in and slither out in the morning without actually moving in your sleep.  To this day I can sleep in a bed without it ever appearing to be slept in.  Naturally as my wife observes me sound asleep with my arms crossed across my chest, she commented that all I need is a Lilly because I appear to be ready for a “viewing”. 

Naturally I disagree with that assessment but she maintains she cannot sleep in a bed with me when it is tucked, because then she must sleep “Egyptian Style”.  Which I am sure causes you to ask precisely is meant sleeping Egyptian Style?   Haven’t you ever seen those Egyptian paintings?  You know – the ones where the person is shown facing you but their feet are turned to the side!!    THAT is what my wife describes as sleeping Egyptian Style because she feels when the bed covers are tucked in her feet are trapped in the Egyptian position and must face to the side.  And with that observation I am ready to describe a recent event regarding sleeping styles.

We were staying in a hotel recently where the Chamber Maids had raised the art of tucking a bed to a high art.  The sheets on these beds were stretched so tight that the Flying Wallenda`s could have used them for a safety net.  These maids must have been built like the incredible Hulk to get these sheets this tight.  To turn down the sheets required the strength of ten and even then all that got you was a tiny little space which you could use to struggle into this drum like structure.  In fact this bed could be used as a birth control device or even to restrain inmates because movement once inside was virtually impossible.  In fact even breathing was a challenge – in short I loved it.

However, my darling wife could not get her bed untucked.  She pulled and struggled while calling down all of the dark forces of evil onto the heads of the Chamber Maids, the Hotel, and me for (silently) laughing.  Having fallen exhausted across the still well tucked bed she activated the “Knight in Shining Armor” alarm.  So I jumped into action grabbing the edge of the well tucked sheet and gave a mighty yank.  The sheet did yield some and with a second yank accompanied by all of the appropriate grunts and mopping of sweat stained brow, the bedding came loose enough to allow my wife to snuggle in for a good night’s sleep.  But alas, it was not to be.

Sometime around 1 AM, I am startled awake by what appears to be a snow storm in the room.  White things are flying through the air, whirling like a tornado.  All of this is accompanied by shouts and muttering about Egyptians, iron maiden torture devices, curses, and calls on Satan to punish all tuckers!!  When this storm of bedding subsided my wife’s bed looked like a white capped volcano – sort of like Mt Kilimanjaro, with the snowy little head of the wife peeping out of one side.  When I enquired if I was one of the tuckers whom she was condemning to Hell to be tortured eternally by Satan, she turned her head toward me -- showing her red pupils like something out of a horror movie and said – and I quote “You tucker!!” or at least something that sounded like that and promptly closed her eyes in what I assume was peaceful sleep in a totally untucked bed.

But this is just the most recent example of what has become our own version of BEDLAM.  As I said I can sleep peacefully in a bed and leave it pristine and orderly while my dear wife attacks her bed with a vigor normally associated by a SWAT team dealing with a serial killer.  But the differences go much deeper than mere tidiness.  For example my normal body temperature wouldn’t excite your average funeral director while hers can melt ice at ten paces.  Obviously this has some seasonal advantages – you would think – but alas – No.-- I require piles of quilts, blankets, which my wife views as weak and effete while she sleeps under the stars like a pioneer woman, comfortable with only a light weight nightgown – in the dead of Winter she might add a sheet as cover.

Obviously these differences in sleeping style are not easily reconciled and inevitably must lead to a compromise.

So Phyllis sleeps with her feet uncovered so they can “breathe” and that pitiful lump of covers in the corner is me.

 

 

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Comments On Marriage

Sadly the divorce rate continues to inch upward while more and more couples elect to live together without benefit of commitment.  Why this is I don’t really know but I think that is because very few of us have an accurate view about love and marriage. Hollywood and society in general have created models about love and marriage that we follow either consciously or unconsciously.  I think we all grow up watching television and movies that have given us a very unrealistic view of love and an even more distorted view of marriage.  Essentially the relationship model that we have been shown consists of some sort of romantic meeting where there is immediate electricity followed by a series of romantic games of up and down ending in marriage or at least an implied happy ending. What is implied and remains unsaid is that when the credits role every conflict, quirk, annoying habit, and issue has been resolved and everybody lives in a cocoon of perpetual happiness.  Alas this is simply not real life.

In real life the conflicts are just beginning, the cute little quirks stale, the annoying habits morph into irritations, and the little issues multiply, but these false models of marriage leave many people unprepared and expecting that the love and excitement of the courtship to continue rather than fade as it inevitably must.  But like every new job or activity marriage must evolve over time.  The trick of course is to meet the inevitable changes with understanding, flexibility, and above all a commitment to making the marriage work.

Ironically most people know very little about their future partner both before and after the wedding.  It might take 50 years before you truly know your partner – if you ever do.  Entering into marriage is entering into the unknown and every day becomes a learning experience and possibly even a challenge. 

Marriage as viewed in the movies and books is nothing like the real thing because what they describe could not be further from the truth. Like all courageous endeavors, marriage can and must evolve over time. We enter into it with the greatest of intentions, hope, and commitment. We spend enough time together to determine if the partnership is a good match in terms of shared values, enough connection, some ability to resolve conflict, and no serious red-flags. And then we jump off the wedding cliff together with a leap of faith. For we never know at the onset what the final outcome will be. Marriage, like life, is ultimately a mystery regarding a magic formula for success. And the intricacies of this mystery, the strands of the story that comprise the final tapestry of one's marriage, can never be known on the day you say "I do."

And yet we long to know. We want the answers right at the beginning of the story. Instead of being an unfinished work of art, we expect our partners to know everything about us and fulfill each of our needs. Most people, when they marry, actually know very little about each other, especially compared to how much they'll know in 50 or 60 years! Human beings are complicated creatures, and it takes living with each other day in and day out -- sharing finances, dealing with work stress, having children, handling the conflicts that arise around each other's families -- before we slowly, slowly learn the details of thought, feeling, and spirit that comprise our partners.

What if we viewed the wedding not as an ending -- the final chapter of the story -- but as the beginning that it is? What if we understood that a marriage is a work-in-progress that begins on the wedding day and continues to grow and change for the rest of our lives? What if we let ourselves -- and our partners -- off the hook regarding having to feel and receive the greatest possible love on and around the wedding day? We put so much pressure on ourselves these days, and oftentimes it's that very pressure that dampens our ability to know and be known by our husband or wife. In other words, by not allowing ourselves to ease into the marriage over a period of several years, we place the marriage itself in a vice where it can't breathe organically and evolve according to its own rhythm.

What interferes with most people's capacity to experience the wedding transition free of anxiety are their expectations. The bride-to-be expects to feel happier than she's ever felt in her life during her engagement. The groom-to-be expects to be able to let go of his bachelor identity easily. And nearly everyone expects that the engaged couple should feel solid and certain about their relationship. We view the wedding as the culmination of a relationship instead of it as a beginning. Marriage, in the end, is largely a journey of acceptance, and while we may enter into it believing we fully accept our partners, very few of us actually do. And that's okay. It's only the expectation of otherwise that interferes with our ability to accept the inevitable challenges that arise during the early years of marriage.

As with so many aspects of the wedding transition, the practice is about letting go: letting go of pressure, letting go of expectations, letting go of perfection, letting go of the old life, letting go of "should’s", and letting go of trying to squeeze yourself and your relationship into a preconceived image or model of how you think your relationship is supposed to be.  A successful marriage develops and evolves over years and is built on successfully resolved conflicts, tears, laughter, and shared experiences.  It is the adventure of a lifetime and the marriage should be viewed as the first step.  The love on the marriage day is a faint outline of the love you will have in 50 years.

***
Sheryl Paul, M.A., has counseled thousands of people worldwide through her private practice, her bestselling books, her e-courses and her website. She has appeared several times on "The Oprah Winfrey Show", as well as on "Good Morning America" and other top media shows and publications around the globe. To sign up for her free 78-page eBook, "Conscious Transitions: The 7 Most Common (and Traumatic) Life Changes", visit her website at http://conscious-transitions.com. And if you're suffering from relationship anxiety - whether single, dating, engaged, or married - give yourself the gift of her popular E-Course.

 

Marriage and Commitment

While the institution of marriage continues to outpace divorces, the reality is that the number of “common law’ arrangements continues to grow. But for those who actually engage in a true marriage the statistics show there is a fifty-fifty chance the marriage will end in divorce. Of course it is this astonishing level of divorce that is used by those who elect to pursue the common law path to justify their situation. The rationale seems to be that why would I get married because there is a real possibility of a divorce and its just a bunch of words anyway. It’s hard to argue with the statistics on divorce but is the marriage vow just a bunch of words? If they are just a bunch of words then why not say them? In fact why is there such a thing as marriage and how does it differ from these casual relationships?

The reality is that if two people enter into one of these live-in arrangements they are assuming a great deal of risk, risks that they probably don’t recognize or think won’t apply to them. The female in these arrangements is particularly at risk, especially if there are children. Generally the male is the breadwinner in these arrangements and the female may either not be employed or employed at a much lower salary. Thus the male holds the advantage because he can leave anytime taking his income with him and leaving the female destitute or nearly so. The female has no legal rights regarding community property, no claim for spousal support, but she might have a right to child support if a child is involved. Furthermore, the female can easily be manipulated by the male through intimidation and threats to leave. The fact is that these arrangements are conveniences – primarily for the male – that show a shocking lack of commitment and regardless of protestations to the contrary a lack of love as well.

Beyond these obvious risks there is the health risk. Suppose one of the partners suffers some devastating illness. The other partner has no legal right to act on behalf to the other, that right remains with the family and the “domestic partner” is not family in any legal sense. Suppose there is an accident and one of the partners is killed? Unless that partner has been careful to name the other as the beneficiary then the insurance goes to the estate not the partner. Essentially these informal domestic arrangements result in bastard children, legal issues, insecurity, and a shocking lack of commitment because the partners do not bond as they do in a legal and formal marriage.

Marriage requires a commitment – a public commitment that has both religious and legal ramifications. It is a formal ceremony where one person dedicates their life to the other and with this commitment comes numerous benefits, not the least of which is a sense of security that the other person won’t simply walk out and if they do there are some significant ramifications to that decision. At the very least there are the financial issues which govern the division of property and assets, but there are many longer term impacts as well.

Beyond these legal and mundane issues regarding marriage there are some very significant emotional ones as well. The first of these is “love” not the physical love that drives the informal arrangements but the deep and abiding emotional love that only comes with time and dedication to the other person’s well being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that this emotional bonding can’t happen in the common law arrangements but it is much less likely to happen because if this feeling of care and concern for the other person is there the commitment is not otherwise why not say those simple words that would have given legal protection to the other partner.

Certainly marriage is not a bed of roses and every marriage has its ups and downs. As anyone who has been married for more than a couple of years knows, keeping a marriage together requires work and commitment to making it work. Unfortunately that lesson seems to be the one that is missing today as more and more people spring from broken marriages. These people have no role model and what they saw was the going gets tough the solution is to leave and move on to a happier situation. The fact that this decision to place ones self above the other and any children is actually a selfish act is missed entirely. These seem to be the people who believe they are entitled to a life of perpetual happiness and indulgence that requires no sacrifice by them. Enduring marriages rest on the belief that commitment is required, personal sacrifice is required, and that for those who are willing to give up anything for the other partner, then nothing must be given up. Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition and on any given day it may be 90-10, but over time it works out to be a true partnership.

Love and Marriage

Marriage seems to be on the decline as more and more people opt to “move in together” and act like they are married. Of course this is just a euphemism for no strings attached sex. When challenged regarding why not get married the response – usually from the man – is there is no need because those are just words that have no meaning and won’t change anything. Of course the rebuttal to that is “if the words have no meaning then why not say them?” Obviously the answer is they do have meaning not just morally and legally but psychologically as well. It is true that the marriage vows are just a verbal contract but they might be the most binding contract anyone will enter into and that is the reason why the “lets live together” bunch avoid it, because it is a firm commitment that closes their option to just walk away when they become unhappy.

For some reason more and more people seem to think they have a right to happiness-not just occasionally but permanently – they think they should never be unhappy and if things and circumstances make them unhappy they feel free to just walk away and find some one else who makes them happy. Of course this is an unreasonable expectation as anyone who has been married longer than a few years can tell you. Marriage is filled with highs and lows as well as compromises and sacrifices, but in the end it is worth everything if you just stick it out. Marriage begins with passion, fun, adventure, and the expectation that this will go on forever and it does for a while. But that passion and excitement is not love and the fun and adventure quickly fade and become routine. And as that routine sets in things change – for some it changes for the better but for others it becomes boring which in turn leads to unhappiness and divorce due to the expectation that they should never experience unhappiness or sacrifice. These people never really experience love because they cannot separate sex, passion, and excitement from love. The problem seems to be that people get confused about love and think that movies portray love – they don’t.

Every day and in many ways husbands and wives show their love. Every time a man squashes a bug or disposes of a mouse or just takes the trash out, he saying “I love you”. Every time the wife picks up the dry cleaning, prepares a meal, or insists you see a doctor for that scratch she is saying “I love you”. Marriage is all about love – real love – where the other person’s health and happiness comes before your own. Where you can sit quietly with the other person and say nothing but can’t sit alone without knowing where the other person is. Love is when nothing can be fully enjoyed without sharing with the other person. Love is not Hollywood just as it is not constant excitement and romance – love comes quietly and sustains you through the bad times just as it magnifies the good times. The words in the marriage vow mean something and will bring lasting love and happiness when they are followed.

Living together is not marriage and does not represent any sort of commitment and no matter how long this arrangement lasts it will never yield the level of love that marriage provides, because it never shows any commitment to be there during the bad times. But once married and willing to stay through the bad times the effort and sacrifices are worth it and yield a life time happiness because the marriage rests on a foundation of love.

Marriage and Commitment

While the institution of marriage continues to outpace divorces, the reality is that the number of “common law’ arrangements continues to grow. But for those who actually engage in a true marriage the statistics show there is a fifty-fifty chance the marriage will end in divorce. Of course it is this astonishing level of divorce that is used by those who elect to pursue the common law path to justify their situation. The rationale seems to be that why would I get married because there is a real possibility of a divorce and its just a bunch of words anyway. It’s hard to argue with the statistics on divorce but is the marriage vow just a bunch of words? If they are just a bunch of words then why not say them? In fact why is there such a thing as marriage and how does it differ from these casual relationships?

The reality is that if two people enter into one of these live-in arrangements they are assuming a great deal of risk, risks that they probably don’t recognize or think won’t apply to them. The female in these arrangements is particularly at risk, especially if there are children. Generally the male is the breadwinner in these arrangements and the female may either not be employed or employed at a much lower salary. Thus the male holds the advantage because he can leave anytime taking his income with him and leaving the female destitute or nearly so. The female has no legal rights regarding community property, no claim for spousal support, but she might have a right to child support if a child is involved. Furthermore, the female can easily be manipulated by the male through intimidation and threats to leave. The fact is that these arrangements are conveniences – primarily for the male – that show a shocking lack of commitment and regardless of protestations to the contrary a lack of love as well.

Beyond these obvious risks there is the health risk. Suppose one of the partners suffers some devastating illness. The other partner has no legal right to act on behalf to the other, that right remains with the family and the “domestic partner” is not family in any legal sense. Suppose there is an accident and one of the partners is killed? Unless that partner has been careful to name the other as the beneficiary then the insurance goes to the estate not the partner. Essentially these informal domestic arrangements result in bastard children, legal issues, insecurity, and a shocking lack of commitment because the partners do not bond as they do in a legal and formal marriage.

Marriage requires a commitment – a public commitment that has both religious and legal ramifications. It is a formal ceremony where one person dedicates their life to the other and with this commitment comes numerous benefits, not the least of which is a sense of security that the other person won’t simply walk out and if they do there are some significant ramifications to that decision. At the very least there are the financial issues which govern the division of property and assets, but there are many longer term impacts as well.

Beyond these legal and mundane issues regarding marriage there are some very significant emotional ones as well. The first of these is “love” not the physical love that drives the informal arrangements but the deep and abiding emotional love that only comes with time and dedication to the other person’s well being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that this emotional bonding can’t happen in the common law arrangements but it is much less likely to happen because if this feeling of care and concern for the other person is there the commitment is not otherwise why not say those simple words that would have given legal protection to the other partner.

Certainly marriage is not a bed of roses and every marriage has its ups and downs. As anyone who has been married for more than a couple of years knows, keeping a marriage together requires work and commitment to making it work. Unfortunately that lesson seems to be the one that is missing today as more and more people spring from broken marriages. These people have no role model and what they saw was the going gets tough the solution is to leave and move on to a happier situation. The fact that this decision to place ones self above the other and any children is actually a selfish act is missed entirely. These seem to be the people who believe they are entitled to a life of perpetual happiness and indulgence that requires no sacrifice by them. Enduring marriages rest on the belief that commitment is required, personal sacrifice is required, and that for those who are willing to give up anything for the other partner, then nothing must be given up. Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition and on any given day it may be 90-10, but over time it works out to be a true partnership.

Reflections on Life

My father passed away recently and this has caused me to reflect not only on his life but my life and how does anyone evaluate a life. How do you determine what constitutes a successful person or fulfilled life? How do you know that you have been successful? In fact what should you be successful at in order to be viewed as a success. My wife has pointed out that everyone is given roles to play in their life. They are called upon to be son or daughter, friend, aunt or uncle, husband or wife niece or nephew, father or mother, grandparent, student, teacher, wage earner, and the list is virtually endless. Everyone has roles they are offered to play and some are taken and some are not. Of those roles taken some are performed well, some not so well, and others may be total failures. For example it is possible to a brilliant executive but poor husband, and failure as a parent or conversely a person can be a great parent but a failure in business or marriage.

We see statues of great men astride their horses and in heroic poses but is greatness or heroism a sign of success? Should we emulate these men? Should we teach our children to be like them? All of these questions lead to the same point and that is the definition of success and how do you evaluate a life. If you equate success to material possessions, heroic deeds, public acclaim, fame, awards, or similar public acknowledgements then only a small percentage of people in the world are successful. Therefore, these cannot be the marks of a successful life but if not then what can be viewed as the basis for a success?

First, I think most people are not capable of evaluating themselves because many people would see themselves as failures even though those about them would view them as wildly successful. Therefore, the evaluation must be done by others and the very basis of the evaluation must be the level of love and respect a person has from those around him. Has the person been committed to another person for a long period of time? Anyone who has been married for any period knows that every relationship has its ups and downs and that it requires commitment and work to maintain. Therefore, anyone who has been able to enter into a marriage and keep it intact for any length of time can be viewed as being successful in marriage. Of course this opens the door to the question regarding same sex “marriages”, which are legally disallowed. Well it seems to me that if any two people establish a long term relationship then they can be viewed as having been successful in a committed relationship.

What about those people who elect to never enter into a marriage or committed relationship – are they automatically failures? Suppose they have some defect, either physical or psychological that prevents them from entering into a committed relationship – does that automatically disqualify them from being recognized as a respected and loving individual? Are they automatically deemed failures in life? I think not, so the fact that an individual can point to a committed relationship over a long period does not automatically deem this person to have had a successful life or worthy of any more or less respect than some one who has not had this kind of a life.

Certainly respect must be earned but is it by itself enough to qualify a person as having had a successful life? I think this might be the least important criteria for evaluating a life because there are many people who have earned great respect but have failed as parents or spouses. I think Albert Einstein falls into this category as does Winston Churchill, but I suspect many business executives and community leaders might fall into this category as well. And this brings us back to the original point – how can you evaluate a life lived? I don’t have an answer to this question and I don’t think anyone else does either. I believe that no one can evaluate a life and conclude that it has been successful or unsuccessful. Of course at this point some will point out that Hitler could not possibly be viewed as having led a successful life, but then that is that person’s opinion and it might be shared by many but it certainly may not have been Hitler’s opinion of himself. There is no doubt that history renders a judgment on some of the prominent, but even there the evaluation of history ultimately is an opinion. Julius Caesar is one of those historical figures about whom history has shown a great deal of ambivalence. Napoleon is probably another who is viewed as monster by some and hero by others.

I think that it is only those people who have been closely associated with another person are qualified to evaluate that person’s life. Certainly, for some of the prominent and famous history may judge them to have been successful or not, but that is an outsider’s opinion and may not be the opinion shared by their families or even those who knew them well. So each of us, in the final analysis, can only be judged by those closest to us. It is our friends and family that ultimately determine if we have been successful. Are your children happy, successful, and independent? Do others speak of you with love and respect? Do others see you as a positive role model or as a negative one?

In reference to my father, I can only say that when I was married I felt that being a husband and father would be easy, all I had to do was to do the opposite of my father. Very quickly I found myself in situations where I thought well I will do what my dad did but I will simply do it better. This turned out to be a good plan but it wasn’t very long before I found myself struggling to do the things my dad did as well as he did them. Finally, I found myself hoping to attain his standard of conduct and falling short. So did my dad have a successful life – in my opinion he did and not only that, he provided a role model for conduct that few can attain and I certainly haven’t, although I try. I think my father was a very successful man and someone who had the love and respect of all who knew him. In the final analysis success is very elusive and may only be determined by the echo’s left behind.

Educational Television

Television is indeed a wonderful medium, it teaches so much and then it sometimes shows you others in the learning process. But you are never quite sure who is learning -- the viewer, the writer, or those talking heads who the viewer is assured are really intelligent. I have learned so much from television that I feel I wasted years in reading and listening to all of those lectures. For instance I have learned the Bermuda Triangle should be avoided, I know that diet and exercise in association with virtually anything – like Chocolate Pudding for example – will cause you to lose weight. I have learned that smoking causes hang nails, weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and dental decay, plus reducing your mental competence to the point to where you vote Republican. I now know that Americans – all Americans are obese primarily from eating super-sized hamburgers and drinking Cokes. Television is truly an amazing medium and I learn constantly from it.

Television has assured me that in spite of all of the evidence to the contrary Evolution is a fact and not a theory and that we have actually descended from apes. Nevertheless I believe in freedom of religion so I continue to support Evolution as a belief system. I am totally aware that at any minute a huge meteor will strike the Earth and wipe out all of mankind. Television has taught me that Al Gore and Global Warming are real and we are in imminent danger of being roasted alive – or is it freeze to death due to the coming ice age that is the result of global warming? It is all so confusing. . I have learned that if your career has tanked the solution is to immediately announce that you have a drug or alcohol problem and you are bound for rehab. Of course what is to be rehabilitated is the career not the habit, but then who notices. But these are the global issues that everyone has learned from Television, but there are many other lessons lurking in the background – if you only watch. For example in television land – men are essentially stupid, women make the best rocket scientists, that weepy men are attractive to real babe’s, and women are truly the master race.

Alas, while I don’t totally agree with all of the wonderful feminists who assure me that as a male I am doomed to the life of serfdom and ignorance I see on television, I do find some (slim) facts that indicate they might be right. I think this understanding of the male role begins with marriage and that you need only to examine recently married men, you know the men who think that marriage really didn’t change anything other than the laundry service. Of course all of those men who have been married for longer than the average age of a fruit fly know that once you have uttered those fateful words “I DO” nothing is ever the same. Life as you know it has ended and your lifetime of adjusting to the weird world of women has begun. This adjustment requires a lifetime and the reality is most men never reach any true level of understanding the female mind, they simply adapt to the conditions. Women are simply different and this difference is much greater than the simple physical differences. The very foundation of these differences begins with what is important and what is not. For example for women there are approximately ten to the 27th power of things that are important but for the average male there are simply ten and after food and sex (in that order) he must be reminded of the other eight.

Almost immediately after that fateful day that is enshrined in the female mind as “the Anniversary”, the male comes to understand that all of those things that he enjoyed are “tacky” and that his wardrobe falls somewhere between pathetic and embarrassing. But this isn’t really where the learning and adjustment begins. Believe it or not it begins with women’s sizes and underwear --- errrr – ah yes – lingerie (pronounced “lawn – jer –ray’ – NOT “ling-grrr -eee). Most men don’t put a great deal of thought into their own clothes and even less into women’s other than ease of removal. Clothes for men come in small, medium, or large and extra-large and men generally fall into one of these categories unless of course we are talking about jock straps and in that case everyone wears a large (extra-large is pure ego and generally would not be believed). Now I have been married for many years and I still have not grasped women’s sizes. They come in petite, juniors (but no seniors) plus sizes (which no one seems to actually wear so why stores stock them I have no idea), and a whole bunch of other sizes, which all seem purely arbitrary. The numerical sizes do not follow any logical system because a size 6 and a size 7 are only sold to anorexics and seem to bear no relationship to each other.

But the real difference between the sexes lies in their underwear. For guys underwear is really pretty simple. You have briefs for guys who like comfort, or boxers for guys who like the wedgie feel, or for those guys who can’t decide whether to be cool or comfortable you have the boxer brief, and that’s it!!. For women there are entire stores devoted exclusively to their underwear and none seem oriented toward comfort – the merchandise not the store. The sizes are as mysterious as the Periodic Table of Elements. Bra’s seem to range in size from skimpy little band-aid type things to cupful, handful, and up to “Big Bertha”. The panties range in size from little pieces of lace that require a bikini wax to the “Thigh Master” and there the name says it all.

But it isn’t just the clothes that distinguish the sexes, we also have differences that the typical male can never seem to comprehend. For instance take the toilet paper, which as any man knows can be found on the toilet paper holder. How it gets there is largely unknown and it is generally believed by most men that there is some sort of a toilet paper fairy – who based on television is apparently known as “Charmin”. Charmin is both squeezable and efficient and replaces the toilet paper as required – I think. But this is actually an example of how truly simple men are because the female of the species has distinct preferences regarding the placement of the toilet paper on the holder. Once married the male quickly discovers that toilet paper must feed either over the top or from under the role. There really isn’t any correct way but every woman has a preference and if the husband intends to continue his conjugal relationship he should master this art of toilet paper replacement.

But the toilet paper adjustment is only the tip of the iceberg in marital adjustment. Most men never really realized how primitively they were living prior to marriage or learned how to deal with the problems that they never realized were problems. One of these is the “noise”. At some time shortly after marriage there will be a noise in the night. This noise was initially heard by Eve in the garden while poor Adam slept. She went to investigate and as we say the rest is history. However, since that time, women do not go to investigate mysterious noises – that is the man’s job. This noise always occurs shortly after the husband has dropped off to sleep. Of course the husband after a long day of toil could sleep through the San Francisco Earthquake, but women’s hearing is genetically different. A woman can hear cotton rubbing on silk from a distance of approximately a quarter mile and immediately conclude that this noise is due to a drug crazed burglar intent on stealing the --- well it really doesn’t matter what they were planning on stealing because it is the husband’s duty to frighten him away before that event occurs.

Now any man who has been through this knows that pretending to be asleep is fruitless because the dear wife will continue punching him in the back until he gets up and searches high and low for the source of the “noise”. The newly married man will commonly pretend to be asleep but this simply demonstrates his naiveté because it won’t work. The woman will continue beating on his back until blunt force trauma becomes a real possibility. The next male strategy employed by the newly married is to explain the noise as “nothing”, but this won’t work either. Women KNOW that something dangerous has occurred and the noise must be identified or there will be no sleep. Sleep can only be achieved by the husband getting out of bed, prowling throughout the house in his underwear, and then returning to bed and announcing – it’s nothing – go to sleep. Now the man who has been married long enough to have been through this drill a few times, simply gets up goes the refrigerator, gets something to munch on, opens the door, closes it, turns on a couple of lights, and then returns to the dear wife and announces it was nothing. The wife is now free to go to sleep knowing that the home has been protected, the noise identified (it was nothing), and she is secure in knowing that her man has once again saved the day. But I digress – let’s return to the topic of Television as a medium.

Television is certainly a source of entertainment as well as education. Not only do we learn about men and women, we also learn about medicine, nutrition, and exercise. From television I have learned that if you join the Bow Flex generation you will look like a superhero in just a few short weeks. Clearly Bow Flex sweat has regenerative powers because they all look so young and healthy. But that’s when I discovered that if you only eat Oatmeal your cholesterol will drop to astonishing levels. This has been demonstrated clinically using horses and not one had high cholesterol, although some people who have eaten oatmeal for extended periods did come to resemble a Quaker. I think it was the hat.

LOVE -- MARRIAGE – RESPONSIBILITIES

LOVE -- MARRIAGE – RESPONSIBILITIES


Several things have occurred in the last month that move me to make some observations about love, marriage, and the responsibilities that go along with marriage, children, and parenthood. Perhaps the first thing to think about is the actual word “love”. We say we love the weather, we love chocolate, we “love” a great many things and increasingly people use “love” as a routine end to a conversation or Email. But – love – true love is hard to find and from my observation – increasingly rare. I base this conclusion on the sheer number of divorces and the casual way people get divorced or establish households without being married. All of these things have led me to reflect on love and what it means.

These are simply my observations about love and marriage based on my own marriage and the marriages of my friends and family. These are not very scientific observations but they could easily be more realistic and accurate than those of the various pundits and psychologists who may be divorced themselves, study dysfunctional marriages, or view marriage in terms of groups and statistics. I’m not sure that is the way to study marriage or what makes it succeed or fail, but then my observations cannot be viewed as anything other than anecdotal and far from a universal view, nevertheless, these are my opinions based on experience.

Perhaps the first thing is to distinguish between marriage and “living together”. Somehow our society has come to accept pre-marital sex and relationships without marriage but with children as not just acceptable but normal. The position that I hear over and over is that marriage isn’t necessary because it is just a “bunch of words”. Of course this ignores the legal ramifications of that “bunch of words” but that is really only small issue. The primary issue is the meaning of those words and that meaning seems to have been lost somewhere along the way to our culture of self-absorption. The difference between a relationship and a marriage is the difference between a pond and an ocean. A marriage and the marriage vow represent commitments to each other – a commitment in the eyes of the law and the eyes of God – an irrevocable bond. A commitment to the other person that each will always be there for the other come what may. On the other hand living together or having a relationship is simply a friendship with sex with no real commitment by each partner to each other. Each person can leave the relationship at any time without penalty. There is no security, no commitment, and most important of all no assurance the other person will be there in a time of need and sooner or later that time comes to us all.

People who have been married for any length of time cannot visualize life without the other, but when people simply live together there is no expectation that the other person will be there tomorrow. Consequently, the partners spare themselves the enormous hurt if a partner leaves but the price they paid is not having that sense of security in knowing that the partner is as committed to you as you are to them. In a relationship you simply open the door and leave but in a marriage, especially a long one, leaving is rarely contemplated and can only be accomplished with difficulty – both legally and emotionally. Life without marriage is truly only half a life.

Most people get married in their twenties, when the partners are young, healthy, and vigorous. It is an adventure filled with fun and frolic. But the excitement fades – usually after about a year – and life takes over. Things become routine, life assumes a pattern, and day-to-day responsibilities begin to intrude on the excitement. For those couples who expected life to continue much like it was before marriage the first signs of dissatisfaction begin to appear. There is a feeling of entrapment, of not being able to go clubbing with friends, of being obligated to pay bills, wash dishes, make beds, and in general act like their parents. For most people this transition to marriage and adult responsibilities progresses, adjustments are made, and the early passion is replaced by the first glimmerings of true love. But sometimes the marriage partners are not psychologically prepared or even capable of putting themselves and their desires second. In these cases the dissatisfaction grows, the necessary give and take becomes less and less and then divorce ends the adventure. Frequently, this begins a lifelong pattern of dissatisfaction because the individuals never get past the idea that life should be fun and that their personal happiness is all that matters – and this brings us to what I think is the very foundation of a solid marriage.

The cornerstone of a successful marriage begins with “liking”, not with love. Certainly love enters into it but the love that exists at the beginning tends to be passion rather than love. Those who expect that feeling of exhilaration to last forever are in for a disappointment that usually culminates in affairs and ultimately divorce. Certainly this passion exists to a greater or lesser extent in all marriages but as it fades – and it always does – what is left is “liking” or friendship. Most happily married couples describe their partner as their best friend. If the partners truly like each other, this liking evolves into real love – something enduring and sustaining through all of life’s challenges. In these marriages the partners would rather be with each other than anyone else because they have more fun together than with others.

The second foundation stone in a solid marriage is unselfishness. The idea that a marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is totally false and anyone who thinks that it is doesn’t understand what a marriage is. The idea that each partner is obligated to carry half of the burden all of the time is unrealistic. The fact is that a marriage requires each partner to give 100% all of the time. At any given time one partner may be giving 90% and the other only 10% but the roles shift and change and the balance always restores itself. Ironically when each partner is willing to give up everything for the other then neither partner must give up anything. A solid marriage requires that you give yourself 100% to the other person. When this happens then everything becomes equal and the partners have created a bond that grows in strength with each passing year. When you view marriage from this perspective you begin to see how arranged marriages might work, especially in societies where divorce is frowned upon.

It is worth noting that the purpose of marriage is not to have fun but to have children. Obviously some people cannot have children and others choose not to, but most people do and this brings one of life’s greatest blessings and greatest challenges – raising children. Although it is politically correct today to accept that there is no difference between women and men the reality is that they are different and different at a very fundamental level. If you doubt this watch very young children at play and which toys they select – boys and girls are different and all of the politically correct studies in the world will not change that and it is this difference that is carried over into marriage and parenthood. The stark reality is that children need parents – a mom and a dad. Each partner has a role to play and each child gains different things from each parent. Certainly children can be raised in single parent environments or same sex environments but that is more difficult for the parent as well as the child.

Women are the child bearers and it is their role to love and nurture the young but their role is truly much larger. It is the women of the world who make a house a home. It is they who create the warmth and comfort that we all associate with home. They do this in many subtle and indirect ways and they do it while maintaining the home, preparing the food, and raising the children. Now I can hear the screeches now accusing me of being old fashioned, of sexism, of male chauvinism, and a lack of understanding of the current reality of marriage. However, I am talking about successful marriages and child rearing based on personal observations not the reality of the contemporary state of marriage or the politically correct view of gender roles. Nowhere did I say that women could not or should not work outside of the home. No where have I said that they should not have careers. What I did say is that it is the woman who makes a house a home and that it is the woman who feeds, loves, and nurtures the family. This does not mean that the male half cannot or does not contribute but this is not his primary role. The man’s part is to protect, defend, to provide shelter, food, and clothing but also to train and introduce risk. The man is the rock on which the family rests.

Obviously this is a very simplistic view but not all people who get married and have children are prepared for these responsibilities. Some people become overwhelmed by these responsibilities for many reasons. Sometimes they are not financially capable of supporting the children, sometimes they are not emotionally prepared for the sacrifices that come with children, while others view the children as an impediment to their fun. These are the parents that leave their children alone and unattended, the ones that become abusive, the ones that neglect their children emotionally as well as physically. Many times these are the people who sink into alcoholism and drug abuse. These are the ones who lack the emotional strength to deal with life’s problems much less the responsibility of children. Ironically it is these parents who after a lifetime of neglect expect their children to love, respect, and care for them once the children are grown.

And this brings me to the point and that is what responsibility does an adult child have toward his parents? In my opinion no child owes his parents anything and anything that they do offer should be done willingly and from the heart. If the parent was abusive, neglectful, or abandoned the child then why should the child feel guilty for being neglectful and abandoning the parent? Being a parent is a lifetime commitment and should not be undertaken lightly. The child has no control and is totally dependent on the parent but if the parent fails the child, then the child is absolved of any commitment to the parent. This is not to say that the child should abandon the parent but that they should do what they wish to do, not what society or others think they should do.

So it is love – true love that spans all of these life experiences and it is love that sustains all marriages. Love is something that once found is to be treasured above all else.

Can We Talk?

Well I guess I have always known that education has nothing to do with intelligence and that a person can have multiple degrees and still not be able to pour soup from a bowl with the instructions on the bottom. After all just look at that flower power reject with a PhD -- Ward Churchill – at the University of Colorado. He obviously has been able to prosper without ever actually having a job or learning anything meaningful about America or American Society. So in my defense I have actually had a job (several actually) that required me to control my budget and earn more than I spent. I have been able to earn some rather impressive certificates that hang on my wall while doing this. But unfortunately I still fall into the category of people – mostly men -- who are brilliant on the outside but dumb as dirt inside – at least according to my wife who is convinced I am not only dumb as a rock but unable to communicate even the simplest thought. . Naturally I deny this allegation while seemingly doing everything I can to corroborate it – but then I am a brilliant manager, leader of men, author, and all around deep thinker, so I can’t be expected to master all of the petty details of everyday living and to communicate with any clarity to those who simply don’t understand what I am saying.

This reflection on my ability to communicate all began with a simple request from my wife who wasn’t feeling well and asked me to prepare dinner. Something I have done in the past with results ranging from WOW to “what on Earth is THAT???” But I am always up for a challenge so I agreed to prepare dinner. It seems that the menu called for us to have London Broil but there was only one (large) available, so my wife, languishing on the couch like the final act of La Boheme, instructs me to cut it in half. Now before we go on – ask yourself – what would YOU have done given that simple request? If you are a man you probably would have reacted like I did. I simply took the cleaver and whacked the steak in half as neatly as if I had used the Guillotine, plunked it under the broiler and went on to step two – the rest of the meal, which to me means – the potatoes. Now I should point out that there is nothing in life that my wife and I agree on, especially our food. When we were first married I accused her of confusing seasoning food with cooking in the same room as the spice rack. But then we were young and I hadn’t yet learned the cardinal rule of marriage which is “you’re wrong!” – accept it. But to my point, she likes her meat rare – very rare – dare I say disgusting-- while I like mine done – crunchy even. So when I served my dinner of steak and potatoes I was confronted with gales of laughter – confusing to me because I thought I had done a pretty good job. But Au contraire , it seems the steak should have been cut horizontally into two smaller steaks, not whacked in half as if it were a cantaloupe. This prompted an immediate telephone call to our daughter so that the two of them could laugh about the complete ignorance of the male sex and their general lack of commonsense. It also provided the opportunity to discuss communication and the almost total lack of the sexes to communicate with each other.

Of course any man who has been married for longer than it takes to get to the end of aisle, knows communication between husbands and wives is actually a rather simple affair and there are certain communication rituals, which are learned early if the marriage is to get off the ground. The proper answers are – in no particular order:
Yes dear
No dear
Of course I love you
You do not look fat!
I don’t mind going shopping with you

Of course the last item is said with a smile while inside you’re thinking I would rather have my fingernails pulled out by a hungry Tasmanian Devil than shop for anything other than a new computer or really big TV. But for some obscure reason women insist that their husbands accompany them on these excursions to the supermarket.

Have you noticed that in the supermarket the men fall into specific groups. You have the single man shopping for himself. He is easy to spot because his basket is only partially filled and what’s there consists of various types of chips, soda pop, frozen pizza, a few frozen dinners, and maybe some bread and lunch meat. The emphasis is on speed and convenience without regard for nutrition. Then there are the married guys. These are the ones standing around with one hand on the cart staring off into space clearly wishing they were home watching curling or badminton, waiting for their wives to examine every single item in the aisle while searching through a stack of coupons. You feel their pain and can see that they have reached an out-of-body state bordering on comatose. Now everyone knows that shopping has to be done and that food has to be purchased and placed into the refrigerator, but why does that have to involve the husband? I asked my wife that because clearly neither I nor any of the other men I see in the market are doing anything other standing around staring into space. Her response to this question was “Training – all of you guys need training and all of us women are determined you are going to understand how hard our job is - so stay alert!” See – it’s all in the communication!

But as every man knows there are a lot of adjustments in a marriage. You get used to the idea that there are her things, our things but there are no “my things” other than your underwear and toothbrush. But it is the little things that act like grit in an otherwise smooth running machine, like the tooth paste. For example after years of arguing over the toothpaste and how it should be maintained, we now each have our own tube of toothpaste, which is zealously guarded. Mine is neat and trim while hers is squished and disgusting. I spent years in the Army and that training stays with you and to this day I can sleep in a bed without touching anything. When I get up the bed is almost undisturbed. In fact, I cannot sleep comfortably in a bed that is not tucked in. My wife on the other hand can get into a king sized bed and within 3 seconds can turn the entire bed into a mound of material that looks like the remains of a Laundromat after it was hit by a tornado. But we adjust – we all adjust to the little foibles of our mates – for example--it was my wife’s birthday.

Having already experienced the aftermath of several forgetful events I had learned that certain gift giving occasions have a great deal of meaning to women and birthdays are one of them. So on this particular birthday I was brimming with pride because I not only had remembered I had purchased a nice personal gift AND a card, plus a card from the children. But as the evening wore on my darling wife became less and less communicative and finally burst into tears. After some coaxing it seems that while I thought I had hit a home run I had in fact struck out because there was NO BIRTHDAY CAKE. Horrors! How could I be so callous and forgetful – unfortunately it was now almost 9 PM and all of the stores were closed except the nearby supermarket. I dashed out of the house and raced to the market determined to bring harmony back to our little home. But the market was closing and after some desperate pleading on my part, I was able to make ONE purchase but the bakery only had two cakes available. So I purchased one and dashed home – triumphant – bearing my cake like tribute to Caesar.

Well my wife opened the box and there it was – a beautiful white birthday cake suitably decorated with flowers and spring flowers at that. I was bursting with pride as if I had just slain the Dragon and saved my little Princess from durance vile. However, there was no joy in Mudville for I had once again struck out. My wife looks at the cake and ignoring my triumphant look once again bursts into tears and between sobs points to the offending cake and says “It says Happy Birthday Amy. Who is Amy?” “Well of course it says Amy” – I reply with all of my masculine logic – “what did you expect? That’s the only birthday cake they had – the other cake said Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad”. Well that stunning logic sort of brought the conversation to a halt and after a moment of reflection on my dedication and overall rising to the moment we were able to laugh and put it into perspective and since that time every birthday cake in our family says “Happy Birthday Amy”.

So in spite of everything the politically correct can do, the fact is that men and women are different. In spite of those who think they should be alike I think most people – especially those who have been married for a while – are glad of these differences because it brings spice and perspective. It is these little challenges and adjustments that make each day an adventure. Excuse me now, because I have to go and explain that the printer works best when the little light is on. It indicates that the power is turned on.

LOVE - MARRIAGE -- RESPONSIBILITIES

Several things have occurred in the last month that move me to make some observations about love, marriage, and the responsibilities that go along with marriage, children, and parenthood. These are simply my observations based on my own marriage and the marriages of my friends and family. These are not very scientific observations but they could easily be more realistic and accurate than those of the various pundits and psychologists who may be divorced themselves, study dysfunctional marriages, or view marriage in terms of groups and statistics. I’m not sure this is the way to study marriage or what makes it succeed or fail, but then my observations cannot be viewed as anything other than anecdotal and far from a universal view, nevertheless, these are my opinions based on experience.

Most people get married in their twenties, when the partners are young, healthy, and vigorous. It is an adventure filled with fun and frolic. But the excitement fades – usually after about a year – and life takes over. Things become routine, life assumes a pattern, and day-to-day responsibilities begin to intrude on the excitement. For those couples who expected life to continue much like it was before marriage the first signs of dissatisfaction begin to appear. There is a feeling of entrapment, of not being able to go clubbing with friends, of being obligated to pay bills, wash dishes, make beds, and in general act like their parents. Sometimes these marriages correct themselves but just as often the dissatisfaction grows and then divorce ends the adventure. Frequently, this begins a lifelong pattern of dissatisfaction because the individuals never get past the idea that life should be fun and that their personal happiness is all that matters – and this brings us to what I think is the very foundation of a solid marriage.

The cornerstone of a successful marriage begins with “liking”, not with love. Certainly love enters into it but the love that exists at the beginning tends to be passion rather than true love. Those who expect that feeling of exhilaration to last forever are in for a disappointment that usually culminates in affairs and ultimately divorce. Certainly this passion exists to a greater or lesser extent in all marriages but as it fades – and it always does – what is left is “liking” or friendship. Most happily married couples describe their partner as their best friend. If the partners truly like each other, this liking evolves into real love – something enduring and sustaining through all of life’s challenges. In these marriages the partners would rather be with each other than anyone else because they have more fun together than with others.

The second foundation stone in a solid marriage is unselfishness. The idea that a marriage is a fifty fifty proposition is totally false and anyone who thinks that it is doesn’t understand what a marriage is. The idea that each partner is obligated to carry half of the burden all of the time is unrealistic. The fact is that a marriage requires each partner to give 100% all of the time. Ironically when each partner is willing to give up everything for the other then neither partner must give up anything. A solid marriage requires that you give yourself 100% to the other person. When this happens then everything becomes equal and the partners have created a bond that grows in strength with each passing year. When you view marriage from this perspective you begin to see how arranged marriages might work, especially in societies where divorce is frowned upon.

It is worth noting that the purpose of marriage is not to have fun but to have children. Obviously some people cannot have children and others choose not to, but most people do and this brings one of life’s greatest blessings and greatest challenges – raising children. Although it is politically correct today to accept that there is no difference between women and men the reality is that they are different and different at a very fundamental level. If you doubt this watch very young children at play and which toys they select – boys and girls are different and all of the politically correct studies in the world will not change that and it is this difference that is carried over into marriage and parenthood.

Women are the child bearers and it is their role to love and nurture the young but their role is truly much larger. It is the women of the world who make a house a home. It is they who create the warmth and comfort that we all associate with home. They do this in many subtle and indirect ways and they do it while maintaining the home, preparing the food, and raising the children. Now I can hear the screeches now accusing me of being old fashioned, of sexism, of male chauvinism, and a lack of understanding of the current reality of marriage. However, I am talking about successful marriages and child rearing based on personal observations not the reality of the contemporary state of marriage or the politically correct view of gender roles. Nowhere did I say that women could not or should not work outside of the home. No where have I said that they should not have careers. What I did say is that it is the woman who makes a house a home and that it is the woman who feeds, loves, and nurtures the family. This does not mean that the male half cannot or does not contribute but this is not his primary role. The man’s part is to protect, defend, to provide shelter, food, and clothing but also to train and introduce risk. Not all men are up to this challenge, especially if they did not have good role models themselves, but the man plays a very important role in child rearing. While it is possible for a single parent to successfully raise a child, it is better if both parents are present.

Obviously this is a very simplistic view but not all people who get married and have children are prepared for these responsibilities. Some people become overwhelmed by these responsibilities for many reasons. Sometimes they are not financially capable of supporting the children, sometimes they are not emotionally prepared for the sacrifices that come with children, while others view the children as an impediment to their fun. These are the parents that leave their children alone and unattended, the ones that become abusive, the ones that neglect their children emotionally as well as physically. Many times these are the people who sink into alcoholism and drug abuse. These are the ones who lack the emotional strength to deal with life’s problems much less the responsibility of children. Ironically it is these parents who after a lifetime of neglect expect their children to love, respect, and care for them once the children are grown. A parent is a parent first and a successful parent may be friends with their children once they are grown but no parent has a right to expect anything from his adult children. Whatever they give should be from the heart and not from obligation.

And this brings me to the point and that is what responsibility does an adult child have toward his parents? In my opinion no child owes his parents anything and anything that they do offer should be done willingly and from the heart. If the parent was abusive, neglectful, or abandoned the child then why should the child feel guilty for being neglectful and abandoning the parent? Being a parent is a lifetime commitment and should not be undertaken lightly. The child has no control and is totally dependent on the parent but if the parent fails the child, then the child is absolved of any commitment to the parent. This is not to say that the child should abandon the parent but that they should do what they wish to do, not what society or others think they should do.