Comments On Marriage

Sadly the divorce rate continues to inch upward while more and more couples elect to live together without benefit of commitment.  Why this is I don’t really know but I think that is because very few of us have an accurate view about love and marriage. Hollywood and society in general have created models about love and marriage that we follow either consciously or unconsciously.  I think we all grow up watching television and movies that have given us a very unrealistic view of love and an even more distorted view of marriage.  Essentially the relationship model that we have been shown consists of some sort of romantic meeting where there is immediate electricity followed by a series of romantic games of up and down ending in marriage or at least an implied happy ending. What is implied and remains unsaid is that when the credits role every conflict, quirk, annoying habit, and issue has been resolved and everybody lives in a cocoon of perpetual happiness.  Alas this is simply not real life.

In real life the conflicts are just beginning, the cute little quirks stale, the annoying habits morph into irritations, and the little issues multiply, but these false models of marriage leave many people unprepared and expecting that the love and excitement of the courtship to continue rather than fade as it inevitably must.  But like every new job or activity marriage must evolve over time.  The trick of course is to meet the inevitable changes with understanding, flexibility, and above all a commitment to making the marriage work.

Ironically most people know very little about their future partner both before and after the wedding.  It might take 50 years before you truly know your partner – if you ever do.  Entering into marriage is entering into the unknown and every day becomes a learning experience and possibly even a challenge. 

Marriage as viewed in the movies and books is nothing like the real thing because what they describe could not be further from the truth. Like all courageous endeavors, marriage can and must evolve over time. We enter into it with the greatest of intentions, hope, and commitment. We spend enough time together to determine if the partnership is a good match in terms of shared values, enough connection, some ability to resolve conflict, and no serious red-flags. And then we jump off the wedding cliff together with a leap of faith. For we never know at the onset what the final outcome will be. Marriage, like life, is ultimately a mystery regarding a magic formula for success. And the intricacies of this mystery, the strands of the story that comprise the final tapestry of one's marriage, can never be known on the day you say "I do."

And yet we long to know. We want the answers right at the beginning of the story. Instead of being an unfinished work of art, we expect our partners to know everything about us and fulfill each of our needs. Most people, when they marry, actually know very little about each other, especially compared to how much they'll know in 50 or 60 years! Human beings are complicated creatures, and it takes living with each other day in and day out -- sharing finances, dealing with work stress, having children, handling the conflicts that arise around each other's families -- before we slowly, slowly learn the details of thought, feeling, and spirit that comprise our partners.

What if we viewed the wedding not as an ending -- the final chapter of the story -- but as the beginning that it is? What if we understood that a marriage is a work-in-progress that begins on the wedding day and continues to grow and change for the rest of our lives? What if we let ourselves -- and our partners -- off the hook regarding having to feel and receive the greatest possible love on and around the wedding day? We put so much pressure on ourselves these days, and oftentimes it's that very pressure that dampens our ability to know and be known by our husband or wife. In other words, by not allowing ourselves to ease into the marriage over a period of several years, we place the marriage itself in a vice where it can't breathe organically and evolve according to its own rhythm.

What interferes with most people's capacity to experience the wedding transition free of anxiety are their expectations. The bride-to-be expects to feel happier than she's ever felt in her life during her engagement. The groom-to-be expects to be able to let go of his bachelor identity easily. And nearly everyone expects that the engaged couple should feel solid and certain about their relationship. We view the wedding as the culmination of a relationship instead of it as a beginning. Marriage, in the end, is largely a journey of acceptance, and while we may enter into it believing we fully accept our partners, very few of us actually do. And that's okay. It's only the expectation of otherwise that interferes with our ability to accept the inevitable challenges that arise during the early years of marriage.

As with so many aspects of the wedding transition, the practice is about letting go: letting go of pressure, letting go of expectations, letting go of perfection, letting go of the old life, letting go of "should’s", and letting go of trying to squeeze yourself and your relationship into a preconceived image or model of how you think your relationship is supposed to be.  A successful marriage develops and evolves over years and is built on successfully resolved conflicts, tears, laughter, and shared experiences.  It is the adventure of a lifetime and the marriage should be viewed as the first step.  The love on the marriage day is a faint outline of the love you will have in 50 years.

***
Sheryl Paul, M.A., has counseled thousands of people worldwide through her private practice, her bestselling books, her e-courses and her website. She has appeared several times on "The Oprah Winfrey Show", as well as on "Good Morning America" and other top media shows and publications around the globe. To sign up for her free 78-page eBook, "Conscious Transitions: The 7 Most Common (and Traumatic) Life Changes", visit her website at http://conscious-transitions.com. And if you're suffering from relationship anxiety - whether single, dating, engaged, or married - give yourself the gift of her popular E-Course.

 

Marriage and Commitment

While the institution of marriage continues to outpace divorces, the reality is that the number of “common law’ arrangements continues to grow. But for those who actually engage in a true marriage the statistics show there is a fifty-fifty chance the marriage will end in divorce. Of course it is this astonishing level of divorce that is used by those who elect to pursue the common law path to justify their situation. The rationale seems to be that why would I get married because there is a real possibility of a divorce and its just a bunch of words anyway. It’s hard to argue with the statistics on divorce but is the marriage vow just a bunch of words? If they are just a bunch of words then why not say them? In fact why is there such a thing as marriage and how does it differ from these casual relationships?

The reality is that if two people enter into one of these live-in arrangements they are assuming a great deal of risk, risks that they probably don’t recognize or think won’t apply to them. The female in these arrangements is particularly at risk, especially if there are children. Generally the male is the breadwinner in these arrangements and the female may either not be employed or employed at a much lower salary. Thus the male holds the advantage because he can leave anytime taking his income with him and leaving the female destitute or nearly so. The female has no legal rights regarding community property, no claim for spousal support, but she might have a right to child support if a child is involved. Furthermore, the female can easily be manipulated by the male through intimidation and threats to leave. The fact is that these arrangements are conveniences – primarily for the male – that show a shocking lack of commitment and regardless of protestations to the contrary a lack of love as well.

Beyond these obvious risks there is the health risk. Suppose one of the partners suffers some devastating illness. The other partner has no legal right to act on behalf to the other, that right remains with the family and the “domestic partner” is not family in any legal sense. Suppose there is an accident and one of the partners is killed? Unless that partner has been careful to name the other as the beneficiary then the insurance goes to the estate not the partner. Essentially these informal domestic arrangements result in bastard children, legal issues, insecurity, and a shocking lack of commitment because the partners do not bond as they do in a legal and formal marriage.

Marriage requires a commitment – a public commitment that has both religious and legal ramifications. It is a formal ceremony where one person dedicates their life to the other and with this commitment comes numerous benefits, not the least of which is a sense of security that the other person won’t simply walk out and if they do there are some significant ramifications to that decision. At the very least there are the financial issues which govern the division of property and assets, but there are many longer term impacts as well.

Beyond these legal and mundane issues regarding marriage there are some very significant emotional ones as well. The first of these is “love” not the physical love that drives the informal arrangements but the deep and abiding emotional love that only comes with time and dedication to the other person’s well being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that this emotional bonding can’t happen in the common law arrangements but it is much less likely to happen because if this feeling of care and concern for the other person is there the commitment is not otherwise why not say those simple words that would have given legal protection to the other partner.

Certainly marriage is not a bed of roses and every marriage has its ups and downs. As anyone who has been married for more than a couple of years knows, keeping a marriage together requires work and commitment to making it work. Unfortunately that lesson seems to be the one that is missing today as more and more people spring from broken marriages. These people have no role model and what they saw was the going gets tough the solution is to leave and move on to a happier situation. The fact that this decision to place ones self above the other and any children is actually a selfish act is missed entirely. These seem to be the people who believe they are entitled to a life of perpetual happiness and indulgence that requires no sacrifice by them. Enduring marriages rest on the belief that commitment is required, personal sacrifice is required, and that for those who are willing to give up anything for the other partner, then nothing must be given up. Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition and on any given day it may be 90-10, but over time it works out to be a true partnership.

Marriage and Commitment

While the institution of marriage continues to outpace divorces, the reality is that the number of “common law’ arrangements continues to grow. But for those who actually engage in a true marriage the statistics show there is a fifty-fifty chance the marriage will end in divorce. Of course it is this astonishing level of divorce that is used by those who elect to pursue the common law path to justify their situation. The rationale seems to be that why would I get married because there is a real possibility of a divorce and its just a bunch of words anyway. It’s hard to argue with the statistics on divorce but is the marriage vow just a bunch of words? If they are just a bunch of words then why not say them? In fact why is there such a thing as marriage and how does it differ from these casual relationships?

The reality is that if two people enter into one of these live-in arrangements they are assuming a great deal of risk, risks that they probably don’t recognize or think won’t apply to them. The female in these arrangements is particularly at risk, especially if there are children. Generally the male is the breadwinner in these arrangements and the female may either not be employed or employed at a much lower salary. Thus the male holds the advantage because he can leave anytime taking his income with him and leaving the female destitute or nearly so. The female has no legal rights regarding community property, no claim for spousal support, but she might have a right to child support if a child is involved. Furthermore, the female can easily be manipulated by the male through intimidation and threats to leave. The fact is that these arrangements are conveniences – primarily for the male – that show a shocking lack of commitment and regardless of protestations to the contrary a lack of love as well.

Beyond these obvious risks there is the health risk. Suppose one of the partners suffers some devastating illness. The other partner has no legal right to act on behalf to the other, that right remains with the family and the “domestic partner” is not family in any legal sense. Suppose there is an accident and one of the partners is killed? Unless that partner has been careful to name the other as the beneficiary then the insurance goes to the estate not the partner. Essentially these informal domestic arrangements result in bastard children, legal issues, insecurity, and a shocking lack of commitment because the partners do not bond as they do in a legal and formal marriage.

Marriage requires a commitment – a public commitment that has both religious and legal ramifications. It is a formal ceremony where one person dedicates their life to the other and with this commitment comes numerous benefits, not the least of which is a sense of security that the other person won’t simply walk out and if they do there are some significant ramifications to that decision. At the very least there are the financial issues which govern the division of property and assets, but there are many longer term impacts as well.

Beyond these legal and mundane issues regarding marriage there are some very significant emotional ones as well. The first of these is “love” not the physical love that drives the informal arrangements but the deep and abiding emotional love that only comes with time and dedication to the other person’s well being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that this emotional bonding can’t happen in the common law arrangements but it is much less likely to happen because if this feeling of care and concern for the other person is there the commitment is not otherwise why not say those simple words that would have given legal protection to the other partner.

Certainly marriage is not a bed of roses and every marriage has its ups and downs. As anyone who has been married for more than a couple of years knows, keeping a marriage together requires work and commitment to making it work. Unfortunately that lesson seems to be the one that is missing today as more and more people spring from broken marriages. These people have no role model and what they saw was the going gets tough the solution is to leave and move on to a happier situation. The fact that this decision to place ones self above the other and any children is actually a selfish act is missed entirely. These seem to be the people who believe they are entitled to a life of perpetual happiness and indulgence that requires no sacrifice by them. Enduring marriages rest on the belief that commitment is required, personal sacrifice is required, and that for those who are willing to give up anything for the other partner, then nothing must be given up. Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition and on any given day it may be 90-10, but over time it works out to be a true partnership.